Separate beings, taken as slaves they were.

This is my friend Ariel I drew. On the back of an envelope.

This is the Weiss Family. Dreams.

I got a goldfish. Its name is Calyx Mercury Catherine Boris Ephrussi. It has a sickness. I will heal it.

Update. But I didn't. It died.

Mary, you’re sweeter than corn on the cob, it’s scary.

Last night I saw The Low Anthem. They were really something. Then I saw Langhorne Slim. I could tell by his music, his voice and his pictures he was going to blow my mind, but he blew it even more than I was expecting. He is a dream performer. He might have taken my number one spot of favorite people to watch live. But Family Force 5 is a very close second, if so.

And his clothes. Oh, his clothes. I told him I love them. He said Likewise to me. Why yes, you are reading the blog of the most blessed girl in the world.

Any person who sees Langhorne Slim live and doesn't come away wanting to marry that boy is not human.

Here's the waterfall I jumped off. And the 67,931 boys who came as I tried to take a picture. I landed slightly in a sitting position on accident and my butt hurt so bad I could hardly swim back to the spine rock. It was hilarious.

And then I saw the stinking biggest salamander I have ever seen in my stinking life. It was literally a foot long or more. We thought it was a snake, me and the boys. I mean, I know that the Appalachian Mountains are home to the most varieties and numbers of salamanders, but I had no idea they got so big. It was disgustingly.

E604044.

It's funny how your car doesn't actually go when there's no gas in it.

Monetize.

I was completely taken aback yesterday to find that the ingredients on a bag of Wavy Lays potato chips ("Junk food.") included four things and four things only: potatoes, sunflower oil and/or corn oil and salt. Okay, sort of three. I thought for sure they'd have some awesome stuff like partially hydrogenated oil or something.

Today I was wearing a simple outfit of dark denim cigarette pants and a black funny-necked cotton tank top. And also beautiful little white laced ballet flats. I waited in line at Cookout in this outfit, this simple, casual outfit. Finally it was my turn. I ordered my corn dog and suches and while the man cashier got my change, he said, "So what's the occasion?". I sat there for a moment trying to think, but at a loss, I said, "Is there an occasion?". He said, "Well you're dressed so fancy."

Also today Baby Katie licked my eye.

Then I said, "I normally dress like this." He said "Ah," and said that wasn't a bad thing.

Today I saw a porfolio folder in a store that said on one side, "I'm living the dream." On the other side, it said, "I'm crying on the inside." It was the most dramatic, self-pitying thing I have ever seen, and I wanted to spit on the shoes of the person who carries it. And not shine the shoes after I spit.

Today I bought a small tray for my future life. I believe I will hold candies in it, despite the warning on the back that says it should not be used in direct contact with food. Candy doesn't count.

Here are the things I have for my hope chest:

1. Brushed silver salt and pepper shakers.

2. A doorknob thing that hangs on your wall and looks like an antiquity.

3. Viktor & Rolf Antidote shower gel.

4. A small tray with vintage-looking robin's eggs on it. 

I have my chest picked out. I have not bought it yet.

These are things I need to buy for my hope chest:

1. Scab Dab.

2. A cashmere cable knit sweater Polo blanket.

3. A Magna Doodle. (For my child.*)

*All children need three things in their life:

1. A mother and a father.

2. At least one sibling.

3. A Magna Doodle.

I'm sorry, but this has been proven to be true. Trust me.

Also they need a spanking spoon, but the parents should already know that.

This is the saddest thing. I found a dead Canadian Goose in Bass Lake the other day. I took a picture because I did not know it was dead at first. I thought it was sticking its head in the water looking for fish and playing. But then it never moved. And there were other geese around it guarding it. It was very sad.

Listening to I and Love and You by The Avett Brothers makes me feel very heroic. I am not really certain why. I am starting to get a crush on their voices.

Brandi Carlile promised she would be back to Charlotte for the fall. Well the tour dates are up and Charlotte is not on the list. Luckily Atlanta is, so my friend Chaz is letting me and my sister and mother spend the night at his house the night of the concert. And then we will get up the next day and drive to Tom and Laura's wedding. Tom and Laura are a dream couple.

Sometimes I get very thirsty and very lazy in my room. With no water left, I look pitifully to the two unopened water bottles in the corner of my room. I want to drink them. And then I remember why I cannot. They were once owned by Zooey Deschanel and M. Ward.

You know what's funny? I wrote thirty instead of thirsty. It's a good thing I read over these before I post them. Gee boy.

The Theory of Bassists.

I have noticed over my nineteen years that it seems that very often when I sat down to think about which is my favorite member of a band (A habit I cannot break myself of and have had since childhood.) (Well, early childhood, since I am still in childhood.), I usually pick the bass player. Granted, it's not every time, but it happened enough that it caught my attention. One day some of my more boy-crazy friends pointed out the fact that bassists are always "the hott ones" in the band. Silly, but still it goes along with my own findings, since my friends would always pick the "hottest" one for their favorite. Thus I developed the Theory of Bassists.

The world is full of wonderful bassists. And the world loves bassists. Everyone gravitates towards the bassists. This the Theory of Bassists.

Also, I'm going to make a band called Theory of Bassists.

I will be in it.

I will play the accordion.

Right now I have this really awkward picture of plus size woman's underwear as my phone background and I feel really awkward every time I open my phone. I love feeling awkward. I love being embarrassed. It makes me feel strong.

If you want I can text this picture to you. It's really funny. I texted it to my brother. He felt really awkward too.

The other night in my dream I met Olivier Theyskens and he was really weird.

I've been having sleep walking/talking/acting situations again recently.

Rise up, little sister.

Alicia, I think you would like the song Rise Up by Diane Birch.

I have some exciting news. I am going to have a garden of sorts this summer. My best friend Ariel bought me for my birthday a Carnivorous Plant Starter Kit that included a Pitcher Plant and a Venus Flytrap. Then, my friend gave me a little piece of paper from IKEA. At the bottom was a paperish house. You break up the house into tiny pieces and plant it, and then flowers poof out! Just like that! So I will have Sweet William Pinks, Rocket Larkspur, Candytuft, Baby Blue Eyes, Corn Poppy, Forget-Me-Not, Wallflower, Columbine, Blue Flax, Zinnia, Lemon Mint and Five Spot. I didn't even know flowers with such adorable names existed.

It was then that Richard began to laugh; he couldn't help himself. There was hysteria in there, certainly, but there was also the exhaustion of someone who had managed, somehow, to believe several dozen impossible things in the last twenty-four hours, without ever getting a proper breakfast.

I bought terra cotta pots for these plants today. But alas, I could not find the paints when I got home to paint them with. I met a man at Wal*Mart who was extremely helpful in telling me what kind of soil I should use for my carnivorous plants. I just love it when workers actually know a huge amount of helpful information. So often people are not willing to help and really do not know what they are talking about, but he was quite the opposite. I hope he gets a raise.

I think Forever Stamps are sissy stamps. I just don't like the idea of them at all. The fun in stamps is getting to pick out pictures. It is so exciting to run out of stamps and to go to the Post Office to pick out a new picture. Right? Maybe I am the only one who delights in this. Look at this beauty my Mom gave me. Just look at this thing:

I fell in love with it so much, I could not bear to use it. I put it in a notebook called Weston so that I can keep it forever now. It is my favorite stamp I have ever seen. I surrounded it with paragraphs and paragraphs of praise in Weston.

Whoa. Did you know sheetlets was a word? I am browsing the Post Office store online. I want this. Oh, how FUN.

I cry at the fuzziness. If you look closely, you can see my reflection in the magnets.

Come back to me from North Carolina.

I love having friends who are so talented. Kevin Dailey is one of my favorite songwriters and favorite voices, and I feel so honored to be a friend of his.

I bought some Viktor & Rolf Antidote shower gel. Yes, it's mens. It was only six dollars and ninety-nine cents, and I adore the smell so much. It smells like a perfect man. It smells like a man who is unbelievably stylish and strong and slightly odd and stylish and witty and just a pile of grandness. So I bought it. My Dad and I realized and said at the exact same time that I could put it in my hope chest, but I really think I am going to keep it out to smell and use sometimes. Hehe.

Two days ago was my birthday. I got many wonderful gifts from my wonderful family, but the most exciting gift was my typewriter. Here is someone's Flickr photo of the model I have. I have wanted one for virtually my entire life, and I am so happy to own it. It's all I've been thinking about for these past two days. I have written many, many letters. Many. Seriously. And I will write you one if you want. Gladly. And Rachel, I am still going to make your animal.

My family has a tradition of using a new name at Panera Bread every time we order. We've been almost every character we love, random objects, weird sayings, fake people, celebrities, anything. We're kind of famous because all of the workers know us because of it. On my brithday, Jenna was at the mall while I got my hair cut. She got hungry and went to Panera to get some bread. She was really tired and didn't feel like making up a clever name, but the cashier would not hear of that. She knew Jenna to be a Woods and knew she had to tell her a silly name. It's a rule. Jenna protested, but the girl pressed on. Jenna finally said, "You make up a name for me." The girl said fine and typed something in. However, she wouldn't tell Jenna what she had written. She told Jenna, "You're just going to have to figure it out when they call it." Jenna went and waited for her bread. After a few minutes, the cook who calls over the speaker called, "Hilter, your order is ready. Hitler." Jenna shamefully walked to the counter and took the bread. She told the guy, "I did not pick that name. She did." He replied, "I was worried there for a minute."

My mouth tastes disgusting.

Drift wood.

Sometimes I watch small children on Nick Jr. and Noggin commercials, and I want to puke. They are the most obnoxious kids on the planet. Sorry.

Sometimes I look up pictures of puffins, and I've found I have never seen a picture of a puffin eating where it doesn't have four or more fish in its mouth. Always. Google Image puffins eating if you don't believe me.

Sometimes I forget how much I adore A Room with a View.

Last night I watched it (And was laughing way too loud for my sleeping family's preference.) and I remembered how much I loved George Emerson. Rafe Spall makes him into the most charming, wonderful character since Jack Sparrow or Peter Pan. He is definitely in my top five favorite characters ever. Currently he is number one in character to marry. 

Can one of you well-traveled girls explain to me why the British call a certain amount of weight a stone? How much is a stone?

I've been babysitting my butt off to have funmoney (It's a word.) for the summer. This summer is already looking like it's going to be the greatest summer in a very long time. One reason is because on June 6th, I am going to accomplish a life and summer goal of meeting Ellen. I am so nervous and so excited that it's kind of ridiculous.

Baby Katie just kneed me in the back.

I've been drawing animals like crazy. They're awful, and so much fun to make.

Ariel, my best friend.

Colleen, a Buddytown friend.

If you would like an animal, let me know. I would love to make one of you.

Sherri DuPree replied to my comment. Thank the Jesus.

For statistics class, we had to draw a pig on a unicycle. The pig had to be wearing a beanie and drinking lemonade.

This is my pig.

Oh, hey. I just did this drawing of my friend Lars. Some of you know him.

The other day, I went to eat with some men from Sudan. And also an old man named Kenny. Kenny is an artist. Kenny and I discussed clones and clowns. Kenny thought I was a smart girl for asking whether clones would have spirits or not. He was mistaken. He also said I should not go into plastic surgery after seeing my blind contour of my neighbor. It's alright. I probably won't anyway.

There's a lake 'round these parts called Bass Lake.

I have three life goals concerning Bass Lake.

1. To walk Bass Lake entirely without looking down at the goose-poop littered ground once.

2. To walk Bass Lake in full costume. What costume? I don't care. A costume.

3. To reach the island that is off limits in the middle of the lake.

I have a few summer goals, too.

1. To spend the night at The Green Park Inn and see if I can catch sight of this ghost who lives there apparently.

2. To approach a stranger in the street and throw confetti, yell Calloohs, Callays, Hoorahs and Hoorays, blow noisemakers and give balloons to them and then run away.

3. To see all of the Huge Beings in North Carolina.

4. To stay with some Amish people.

5. To see the two Huge Beings in Tulsa.

6. To practice writing with my left hand.

7. To watch twenty-six movies, one for each letter of the alphabet, in order but not necessarily one a day.

8. To become a mail-sending fiend.

9. To eat at Kathleen's Tea Room.

10. To meet Ellen.

11. To meet Bethany.

Pens. Pens.

Here is the movie I was telling you about.

Maybe it'll get big. Haha.

This is my friend Alicia. We're not related. She's gorgeous, though.

I drew this silly picture of her on the same day she drew my profile picture. Clearly, you can see where the talent lies.

Today I have to renew my passport because I am going to Mexico for a week in June. I'm hoping to catch some swine flu.

When I grow up, I will have a bed and breakfast.

This is my friend Anna. She is very lovely. Not that you could tell from this drawing.

Hello, hello.

One day ago, I made a movie called The Second Part of Our Day. It's about two girls who get murdered. It's pretty funny. I think I might load it to Youtube for my friends who don't have Facebook.

Today I wrote in the woods by my creek in my back yard. It's not really a yard. I sat on a big rock and got moss all over my butt and recorded all of my life goals I could remember into a single notebook. That way I never lose them. Unless I lose the notebook.

Seeing as how it's a new day and all...

I think I should be allowed to post again.

Here are some things that make me miss the good old days:

1. This video of Richard Dean Anderson.

2. Fleet Foxes.

3. Thread.

Luckily, the good old days will be starting up again in approximately two weeks. Funny how that works.

I have a brother Jeremiah.

He sent me a link. I think I have never read something so funny. At least not since reading about this guy.

Since I am mostly here to keep up with Bethany, I thought I would share a drawing I made of a completely different Bethany, but whose name also happens to be Bethany, so it's pertinent.

Sweet, sweet tea.

Goal: Keep up with Bethany's blog. 

Yes and amen.

Sincerely,

Jasa Elizabeth Woods